Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
we should paint friendship bongs
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
