Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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