So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
