No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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