I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
