i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Randomize
