I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
