remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
