Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
