seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
