4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
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You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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