Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
