I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
