First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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