What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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