I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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