I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
