i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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