his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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