I should be sponsored by Trojan
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
