he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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