Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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