It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
