my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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