Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
