I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
