Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
