Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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