i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
