I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
