I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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