your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
