You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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