I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
His nipple licking is glorious
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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