i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize