I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
