He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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