I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
