Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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