Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
