oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
