tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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