two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
