I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
