Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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