Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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