Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
