East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
