the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
