fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
