Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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