you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
