I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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