Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
