oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
