I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
